Picture Pathetic

We took Emerson to get her picture taken today at Picture People in the Salem Center mall. A photography studio in the mall should have been the first clue that we weren’t going to come out with Annie Liebowitz-ish pics. Nonetheless we were done with Sears and JCPenny despite the wonderful childhood memories I have from those “studios” of having drool-infested toys pushed in my face by an “associate”.

Anyway, we – scratch that – I, was excited. This was Emerson’s third picture-taking session, so I’m still pretty new to it and treasure any time I can show off my little bundle. I got Vic to put on a shirt that he questioned when put together with Emerson’s and my ensemble causing a last-minute panic to try and find something else and finally acceptance of my original decision.

We stride on into the fishbowl studio with our gorgeous baby girl certain that she’ll win them over with her infectious smile and giggle. They hook us up with a woman photographer who we could tell Emerson wasn’t going to like from the get-go. Not a real shock; like her mother she’s wary of strangers. This woman was what I call an under-achiever of baby photography. She had 3 real strategies for getting a smile:

1. Bang wooden blocks together

2. Clang her ring against the metal light pole

3. Say “I gonna get you!” and “quack!”

A true pioneer of happiness, that one. None of these worked, of course.

Even when Daddy and Mommy stepped in, things didn’t get any better. She stared at the lady and seemed to jolt with every high-pitched tone of ring striking metal.

At my purchase consultation, the woman tried pushing pictures of Em squinting, almost frowning, me with my eyes closed and some fierce cleavage. I deeply disappointed her by taking only 3 prints away for close to $50. What a rip off.

I’ve decided I’m going to start a studio here in my house in my bathroom. My shower has a white background. Plus, I can do much better than banging blocks and metal together. I could flush the toilet or run the blow dryer. And I wouldn’t try to sell people obviously bad pictures.

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